I have an addiction!!! I am hooked, and I just can't stop. It is probably something to be left alone, but I just can't. It's impossible for me to let go of this addiction. In a way I want to, but at the same time I really don't want to. Yes, this addiction has a name!! His name is... (MJ)!!

I don't know what it is. We are still able to hurt each other I guess, but somehow we just keep coming back to each other. And it's not just the friendship. No matter what he says, or even what I say sometimes, we are actually addicted to each other I reckon. for some reason, he's always saying, yeah it might be best not to have contact for a while or something, but then he seems to want me really bad, and if I actually manage to leave it for a bit, he starts ringing me. And when we get together.... Well, quite simply... WOW!! There is so much tension there, and sometimes it makes it difficult to talk. I'm talking sexual tension here too!! I just can't explain it!! Well, I think I just did actually. That's what it's like. It's an addiction, and it's one that I don't want to break, but... I don't know. Maybe it IS one that I should break. Then again maybe not. If things work out as hoped, then things could go back to being good again. I don't know though. What do you reckon?? Maybe that needs to be removed first or something. I feel like I can't prove my point if I'm still being with him. That is that I can control myself, and that I'm a different person from the one he met two years ago. I'm COMPLETELY different!! Oh ok yeah, fundamentally, my heart is still where it was, I try to do my best for everyone, but in a way I guess even more so though now. It's not that I feel I have anything to prove, (well, maybe at the moment I sorta do) but that I need him to accept that that's the way I am now. I know that all round I made a pretty bad impression on a few people, but that's not me anymore. And I wonder if that's why I became the way I did. I ostracised myself from pretty much EVERYONE. I think because that's the way that my "friends" acted, and not only that it rubbed off on me, I was like that (when I got to uni that is) myself. I guess I went a little wild when I first moved out of home and everything, and a LOT of things have happened that was sending me down the self-destructive path. I didn't realise it at the time, but I do realise it now, that that path was the wrong one. MJ helped me to see things like that, and yeah I probably took it a bit too far by dissociating myself from society, but then I am a bit of an extremist!!(Not in a racial thing or anything horrid like that, but still.. extremist). Dad always said not to do things by halves, but I think that in this case I should have at least slowed the process down, or maybe rebuilt my base as I went. But I didn't, and I have to live with that. I'm working on the solution to that now, and gradually it's all coming together.

But as for my addiction, one of the biggest problems I think is that it still takes precedence to a lot of other things. I don't know, maybe if I become a much more busy person, and wanted by more people, then things will start to fall into place for him as well. My problem is that I will still put myself out for him so much. Like the other morning. I couldn't sleep real good, and didn't get to sleep till bout 4 or something, but still got up early to take him to work by 8.30, and then waited till 1 to go to work myself, then went to pick him up at 4 when I finished work. He'd sent a message saying that his parent's might be in town, but as he used the word MIGHT, and never got back to me with any more details I thought I'd best go and at least check. Sure enough they were there, but I don't mind. I walked down to Woolies with them to get some dinner, then parted ways from there. And it's always nice to see his parents. I really like them, and it's strange, but a lot of things are starting to be more comfortable than they have been for a long time. Like I was always worried with how I'd come across to his parents and whatever, but now... I just feel really comfortable talking to them. Since the funeral really. That was the first time things felt really comfortable. I guess they don't seem so threatening anymore. Maybe their attitude has changed since they won't be judging me for the girlfriend potential, and whether I'm good enough or not. Or maybe it's me that's changed, and I just feel that way, or maybe we both have. perhaps I'm just starting to have more confidence in myself again. I went for a couple of months there where I felt I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything, and so was lacking a lot of self confidence. I get that still sometimes. I'm not sure what's happened, but something has really made me anxious about things. Maybe my self ostracisation (is that even a word??). I don't know, but that's beside the point.

So what is it all about?? I mean really... I honestly feel that he is addicted as much as I am. And the strange thing is that it's starting to feel good again (I guess, that's the best description I can think of this late at night), but I'm not sure if it's just me getting complacent, and thinking, "well, it's all good, coz it's me he keeps on coming back to, so maybe there's nothing to fear, and he'll just come to his senses that we belong together and make it official again". I don't want to get myself into that pattern of thinking, because that's really dangerous, and it would just make it hurt so much more if he was to turn around and say, "well this ain't happening anymore, coz I've found someone else, and they're definitely worth giving you up for" or whatever like that. At least that he can't be with me in any way shape or form or whatever. But I mean he was even wanting me to go out with them last night. In PUBLIC!! It would have been the first time out together for ages!! Hmmm... I don't know!! I think I read a lot into things, and I should stop. But it's kinda hard when I so want him. You know the saying "we see things the way we want to see them, not as they actually are". That's me!!

Anyway, there was something else was gonna say here, but it's managed to slip away in 5 whole seconds... Memory of a goldfish I tell you!!

Oh yeah, I remember. It was kinda hurtful last night, coz I picked him up, and him and his mate were arguing with this chick, (apparently she was just wanting to pick a fight or something) and she was trying to say that he was gay and all this (his mate is gay!! And one of the coolest blokes I know!!), and he turned around and said "this is my ex-girlfriend (indicating me), now I'm NOT gay!!" TWICE he said this, and both times I actually cringed when he said EX-girlfriend!! I hate the term "ex". It just sounds so dirty to me, and I positively REFUSE to refer to him as my ex!! My EX is now in Melbourne, and the bastard cheated on me. ie, to me EX refers to the bastard that dumped me, or the bastard that was lame so I dumped him, kind of thing.

Anyway, the other strange thing at the moment (and I'm REALLY taking note of this), is that not only is he saying about getting 60% off for watches or something, but that he also gets 60% off for engagement rings. Now he seems to have referred to this a few times recently. At least 3 times in the past week or so when I was around, and I don't know about when I'm not there. I don't know if he's somehow rubbing it in about us not being together again, or what. I'm not sure if it's some kind of sign (one way or the other), or I'm reading into things again. What you reckon??

Ahh… anyway, I think that's about all I had to talk about. If you made it all the way through to here, congratulations!! This is probably one of my longest posts EVER to be honest, but I guess a lot to be said.

Oh hang on, still not finished. Another thing that is intriguing to me, is that yeah.. I been with him, A few time actually recently, but it's always been like a secret rendezvous. We've had to hide the fact pretty much, but I'm not sure if it's only from his brother or what. Anyway, when I picked him up last night, his mate stayed (man it was a struggle to move him off the bed too, as he'd pretty much passed out there), but then I stayed in his bed with him, and was still there when his mate got up. I mean it would have been obvious that I was there (in his room) as I wasn't anywhere else, and I heard him saying something to him about waking up, and I had my arm around him, and he freaked out for a few seconds thinking that it may have been his mate with his arm over him. He didn't want to move coz he was too afraid. Explains the kinda confused expression on his face this morning. Well, it was kinda freaked out too. He he. The dag. So I mean it would have been obvious to J (his mate) that I stayed in his bed all night. And then we watched a bit of Hellsing (a cool manga about vampires and stuff), and we went home after that. I gave J a lift too. Ahh... I'm just not sure what everything means. Could just be me picking up on only some things, and not others, or just me reading into things, but it just seems too coincidental for all these things to happen the way they have been. The universe works in mysterious ways (or God if you're that way inclined!!). I can't help thinking the way I do. I just have this FEELING that we are MEANT to be together!! And all the bad shit seems to go away when I am with him. No-one understands me the way he does, although sometimes he doesn't understand me either. In that regard, I think there's no hope for me in those areas.

Ahh… anyway, bed time I think. This stuff just needed to get written down I think. See how well I sleep now hey!?! 'Specially considering how sic I am now!! My throat hurts like hell, and I'm sure the cough and everything isn't TOO far away. Well, serves me right for my little midnight "walks" huh!?! Unless it's something like tonsillitis. It's been ages since I've been sick. Well, sore throat type of thing anyway. Wonder if it's just been waiting there for a while, coz my vomity feeling is back, and that's brought on by the throat constricting.

Anyway, HAVE to go. Taking up WAAAAAAYYY too much room here.

So good luck if you've read all this. You deserve a medal. Don't think anyone reads over here anyway (well apart from you Rich!!). Ahhh… I don't care. Not really wanting this to be read anyway. Bit of advice is always good, but It's just for the stuff I can't put on the other site at the moment.

So hope you enjoyed, and will update again soon. Only not quite so long this time. (Just copy and pasted this to word, so I wouldn't lose it, and it's 3 pages worth!! DAMN!! definitely longest entry!!)

Oh yeah, thinking of going up to my bro's for the week in the holidays again. It's gonna be cold this time though. And would be good if I could drive up. We'll see. Might have enough money to fly or something. Now THAT would be good!!

So anyway, as I say, shall return soon.

Peace and Love and Mushy Stuff!!

I think I have fallen in love with a wonderful man, who doesn't alway's understand everything about me, nor me him, but endears me more to him anyway. I think I have fallen in love with him..... AGAIN!!!

Jen   -XXX-