Well, the funerals on Thursday. I'm going to go. Don't know how I'll be though. I think I'm going to fall to pieces. I already am at the moment.

It feels so weird. Why am I so sad?? Is it because he's hiding it or what?? I don't know. I saw him tonight, and I just wanted to cry as I left his place!! Why?? It hurts!! WHY OH WHY OH WHY???? I just wish I could have an answer to this.

And it's even harder, because I don't know what to do any more. For one it's weird to have a funeral, and it not be me that's in the thick of things. Maybe not in the organising of it and stuff, but at least it being a family member or something. I've never been the outsider. And only a few months ago I was part of the family. I should be there with him. Now it's going to be a case of me being up the back or whatever, and I'm not going to even be able to hold him and comfort him.

I don't know.. I guess maybe in a way I feel like I'm going to be saying goodbye to him as well. The final goodbye!! I can't stand this feeling!!

And now they're moving into town too. I guess I feel a certain loss for that too. HA!! He won't be coming round here anymmore or anything. If he takes off or whatever, it'll be noticed, and he's not exactly going to be able to walk out here from town anyway. I don't think he'd want to anymore anyway.

Fuck this feeling!! I hate it. I'm always feeling like my hearts breaking lately. But why is it tonight?? Nothings happened!! It was just a normal night. We talked, and watched a DVD, well, just one episode of Tenchi really, and he showed me Giants that he'd bought, and then I left. Nothing dramatic, nothing unusual. Or is that maybe the problem?? He seems a little happy I guess to be moving. I guess that's part of why. I don't want him to move, coz it means him being away from me.

I think I need to get away for a while. I might go to the morning prac for Geo, and go to the Funeral in the afternoon, and go home for the weekend. Might even stay at mums. Dunno.. At least for the Thursday night maybe. We'll see I guess.

Anyway, yeah.... I'm gonna do that. Assuming my car makes it, and I can afford the petrol and everything!!

Well, gonna go lie down and hope to die now. I admit defeat. My heart is constantly going to break where MJ is concerned, and it'll never stop breaking. So I'm going to have to do the hardest thing in my life I think. I have to say goodbye, and lay it to rest. And god it hurts to say that!! I am in tears just saying it. I don't know how I'll go saying it to him!!

Well, peace.

Jen   -XXX-