Have you ever been so in love that nothing else matters?? Whether you fail your uni, or you don't have a job, or there's no money?? Because all that matters is the other person. They're your whole world, and nothing could be better or anything like that!!

I was there.......

I'm not sure what it is, but I'm actually caring bout my work again and everything now!! I'm not sure if it comes back to him or not though. It could be the fact that I want to prove to him that I can do it, and he should be proud of me!! I don't know.

I'm starting to not get so cut up anymore either. I mean, I just called him bout 10 min ago or so, to see what he got up to last night, and it turned out he ended up going up to Canberra after all. Now the old me would have been like "what the fuck?? Why didn't you tell me???" But now I'm like, yeah... good on him/. He needed it. Of course still a little, "awww, he should have told me", but not as much.

Does that mean that I am caring less?? Like I mean, I'm not as concerned what he gets up to anymore. Is it really that I'm starting to care less?? Or am I just starting to trust more that nothing would happen, and I'm not even realising it. I'm not sure. I feel kinda empty today. I feel like I'm just lacking in emotion. I thought I was kinda down in a way, but I'm not, I'm just feeling empty. Why is that?? I wish I knew. Although that can be a scary thing too. The emptiness. I don't think it means that I'm becoming a cold and callous human being, but... I just don't know what it means for me.

I still love him. I know this, but it's starting to feel a little different. It's kinda scary, because in a way it feels like I'm just getting over him, and getting ready to move on. I mean that's a good thing in a way, but I still want him heaps, so how do you explain this??

Oh I don't know!! I'm feeling empty, and yet feeling like I'm torn in two a bit. Hmm.. confusing a little.

Anyway, before I start to actually confuse myself here, I might go. I'll write again later.

Just thinking, it could also be a comfort thing that I'm not going off tap again now with MJ. And I think he is managing to start to say the right things too perhaps. But it was good in a way, coz I just had a quick chat, and he's like "blah blah, did this, did that.. Anyway, will tell you bout it when I get back today", and I was like "ok, yeah cool. So what time you think you're gonna be back?" he's like "dunno.. [pause]". Me: "oh, just like seeing if it's gonna be late, or this arvo or whatever", and him: "Oh, um hoping to head off soon actually. Might sleep in the car on the way back. But no not late.. I hope!!" Me: "hehe, yeah.. you might want to sleep when you get back though, so I'd leave you to it", and him: "nah like I say I'll sleep on the way back. Will talk to you later"

So yeah... not ALL the conversation, but most of it!! hehe. It just seems to me (now that I've written it), that it just seems so comfortable. Perhaps that's what this feeling is. I am actually COMFORTABLE with him again, and not stressing about how we're living, and money, and getting under each other's skin anymore. Perhaps that's all it is. I wonder if it's starting to be like that for him or not.

Mmmmm.. dunno. Well, I'm starting to get a little of the fuzzy glow though. Guess we'll see bout things when he gets back. I always have a habit of saying things are peachy, and as soon as I do, things end up WAY sour again... so... We'll see, like I say.

One thing though, I was telling my friend bout our fight the other night (Tuesday night), and she said, "well, I'd take that as a good sign. You guys feel comfortable enough to fight again." Or in her exact words, "it shows strength in the relationship....... At least by fighting with (MJ), you have shown you are at least at a stage where you can really tell each other what you feel again. so that is a great thing."

Well, wisdom round every bend huh!?! you know the whole, "you'll get wisdom from an unexpected source" kinda thing. I get that all the time in my tarot readings!!

Well, anyway, definately going this time (gee this is as bad as one of my conversations on the phone. "yup going now, oh did you hear about.....??" hehehehe) So I'm feeling a lot more positive than when I started. Hmm... this shit of writing things down really works!! Good stuff.

So peace and love, and all that fluffy stuff

Jen   -XXX-